Raisinglittlegrays

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VBAC Birth Plan

It has been over a year since I last sat down with my laptop for a blog. A LOT has happened. Most people who read these blogs are people who keep up with me frequently, so I won't bore you with some excessively long post about what we've been up to. The biggest thing though, is that we are expecting again! And we are only a little less than 2 weeks away from the delivery of our baby GIRL. I thought I would want to sit down and blog all about pregnancy after loss, and all the highs and lows that come with it. But the truth is, I've just really enjoyed being a little bit more low key with it. We've decided she is our last baby, and my husband took permanent measure to ensure that (love you babe). We announced the pregnancy publicly via social media after we found the gender out around 15 or 16 weeks. I am planning to have a natural VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), with the hospital that we delivered Sadler at, which is also where Hasting was born

October// Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day Campaign began in 2002 as an American movement started by Robyn Bear, Lisa Brown, and Tammy Novak. Together, they petitioned the federal government, as well as the governors of each of the 50 states, in conjunction with the first observation of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in October 15, 2002, 20 states signed proclamations recognizing the date as such. As a result of the American campaign effort, Concurrent Resolution 222, Supporting the goals and ideals of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day was passed in the House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. (Wikipedia). Pregnancy and Infant loss is something that should be talked about, and should be heard. It should be heard with acceptance, love, and most of all support. Women shoudl not be ashamed,

A Letter to my Living Children

My sweet Hasting, Annestyne, and Chantry, I am so sorry that your little innocent souls have had to know what grief is. I am so sorry that your brother died, and that you never got to meet baby Sadler. I am sorry that mommy left you for so long, and I'm sorry that sometimes mommy seems really sad. I know that sometimes you wish it was still the way that it "used to be", even if Sadler only was a baby in my tummy. Mommy does too. I want you to know that I love you very much, and that even though you don't know it (or may not understand it) right now, and everyday you are helping mommy to heal. You are teaching mommy how to heal. I never knew that through your innocence, I could learn so much. I have watched the 3 of you so closely since Sadler died, and you have silently been teaching me a few things about healing. Hasting, you recently broke your elbow. You were running being silly, tripped, and landed on your arm wrong. You played, you fell, but

Setbacks Over Progress.

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to turn completely upside down. It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017. “Became pregnant with our fourth child”. Just like that. I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt. Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice things changing. Your thoughts a

UnSubscribe

It’s been almost 5 months. Yet I still haven’t been able to fully unsubscribe from all the junk emails from all the hideous baby crap. There is SO MUCH. “Buy one get one, one daily only @ Motherhood!” “25% off at Buy BUY baby” “8 weeks postpartum Lindsay” Mama Natural “Today’s the day! It’s Your due date” — enter in the name of of of the one million baby related websites there are these days. Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I go to check my emails, another one squeezes it’s way in. And when that happens, another very-detailed, very sad memory of a moment has an open window. Letters in the mail. Social security cards. Insurance information. Accidental bills mailed to your address showing every procedure and every dime, and every detail of your dead sons expenses. Will it ever stop? Is there a button for “un-subscribe” for all these constant reminders that your baby is dead. Will my phone EVER forget to auto-correct the words Infant loss, NICU, grief, and other words relate

My dearest Chantry

To my sweet, loving, rainbow: One year of you. 364 days ago, you entered this world in to the hands of your daddy, in a pool full of water in the middle of our living room, while Ray Lamontagne "Hold you in my arms" was playing in the background. There was a room full of eager family and friends ready to meet you! You were the calm after my storm, and I had waited 41 weeks and 1 day to hold you in my arms for eternity. My whole pregnancy was a fear for me. It was so full of what-ifs, fears of losing you, or something going terribly wrong. For 41 weeks and 1 day, fear shadowed over your pregnancy. But the moment that your daddy placed you on my chest a big sigh of relief, and tears flowed. You were here, and you were safe, and we were now a family of five. It has been such a hard year, but such a rewarding one at that. You have grown so much, just within these last months. You have such a gentle and loving soul, and you have been our easiest baby yet. The Lord