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My dearest Chantry


To my sweet, loving, rainbow:

One year of you. 364 days ago, you entered this world in to the hands of your daddy, in a pool full of water in the middle of our living room, while Ray Lamontagne "Hold you in my arms" was playing in the background. There was a room full of eager family and friends ready to meet you!

You were the calm after my storm, and I had waited 41 weeks and 1 day to hold you in my arms for eternity. My whole pregnancy was a fear for me. It was so full of what-ifs, fears of losing you, or something going terribly wrong.  For 41 weeks and 1 day,  fear shadowed over your pregnancy. But the moment that your daddy placed you on my chest a big sigh of relief, and tears flowed. You were here, and you were safe, and we were now a family of five.

It has been such a hard year, but such a rewarding one at that. You have grown so much, just within these last months. You have such a gentle and loving soul, and you have been our easiest baby yet. The Lord really knew what he was doing when he created you so perfectly. You love your siblings so fiercely, and sometimes they can only make you do that special laugh that you do.

You have overcome so many battles, yet are still struggling with a few. From torticollis, aspirations while feeding, thrush, lip and tongue ties, low oral tone...just to name a few. 

Mommy cried over not being able to be your sole nourishment, but worked so hard to find a full term milk donor for you. Since you were 6 weeks old, you have been blessed to have liquid gold from another mommy.

For 3 months you were without mommy, while I was in the hospital fighting for your baby brother. Mommy missed what seemed like so much while I was away. You learned new things, got a cranial helmet, had many appointments, and hit a milestone or two. Your eyes lit so bright on the days you would come to visit mommy. 

You have this sweet sparkle to your eyes, and you always know when mommy needs a little pep in her step to keep going. 

When you were born, you looked up at me a if you knew you would be the healer of my heart, and in more ways that I really knew at the time. 

I am so sorry if on some days I didn't give you the best that I could, but just know that I gave you every ounce of me. I have smothered you in kisses since day one, tried every trick in the book to keep you at my breast. Reached out to numerous lactation consultants, herbs/supplements, foods, essential oils, domperidone, SNS feeding system, power pumping. Your father and I took turns walking around tirelessly to get you back to sleep. 

You love your bottle, even if you still get a little choked up. We're working on that though. You're still drinking your donor milk! You are still working on your strength, and longing to sit up and crawl. We're working on that too.

I have cherished every new milestone with you, and love how much you have began to bond with your siblings. They love you so very much. 

Teething hasn't been very nice to you, but you still remain to have the gentle and sweet soul that you were born with. You aren't much of a cuddler in bed, but you love sleeping with mommy and daddy.

Happy birthday my sweet rainbow girl. Thank you for showing me how to love through fear and anxiety, and for teaching me to love more than I ever knew I could. Loving you has been worth every risk that my heart has had to take. You have helped me to overcome more obstacles than you will ever know, and are healing more broken wounds to this very day. 

You were sent here from Heaven, and you are my promise that after every storm there comes a rainbow.

I will love you forever and always, and then more.

Love always,

Mommy







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