Setbacks Over Progress.

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to  turn completely upside down. 

It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017. 

“Became pregnant with our fourth child”. 

Just like that. 

I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt. 

Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice things changing. Your thoughts and emotions go astray. Time, in an essence, can really start to hurt instead of heal. 

I start out by having a good time. I can relax, a smile comes across my face, the laughter can finally start. And I cling to those moments, because most of the time I have forgotten them and I don’t remember the normalcy of happiness. These moments remind me of who I used to be, and I just let it wash over me. For a brief moment, I feel like me again. 

But it doesn’t always last. MOST of the time, it doesn’t last. Guilt takes over my joy, and I feel like I am somehow dishonoring Sadler, and that I’m not remembering him enough... that it’s not ok for me to feel happy. I get anxious, and it’s almost as if I beg for the grief to return and continue. Like I’m asking to be depressed, or sad, or to cry for him. Guilt sends me in to what I like to call a “grief safe zone”, and I become overwhelmed all over again. How could I possibly allow myself to be happy without Sadler? 

I crave normalcy regularly, and to know what it’s like to feel healing. I want to live a fulfilling life after Sadler’s loss. But  every day, EVERY DAY, guilt speaks so loud that it’s impossible to ignore. If I’m not grieving, I’m feeling a constant guilt trip sitting on my shoulders. 

I know that these feelings will eventually fade, and as my healing process continues, the guilt will surely disappear. But right now, it’s such a huge part of my journey, and I hate it with every ounce of my being. 

I am really struggling to comprehend these emotions, and I’m so tired of overthinking EVERYTHING.

 I feel like a construction zone - - messy and complicated, but I’m thing to understand that as I work through my journey of grieving Sadler, it will bring me closer to where I want to be. 

Even in these everyday moments, when it feels more like a setback than progress. 

I love you Sadler Boone, and I promise you will forever be embedded in to my heart and my every day life.