Now Those are Gone

3 days before you arrived.

I think Thursday will haunt me forever.
This is the last photo I have from a bump day with you.

Every Thursday we would celebrate a new "bumpiversary" together.

One more week that we could celebrate the life you lived inside of me.

One more day that I could take another bump photo with you.

Now those are gone.

Every Thursday since the passing of Sadler, a little bit of guilt sets in.
I feel like I took advantage of the days that we had together; like I should have done more.

I know that guilt came come with grief. I only hope that as I continue to heal, it's something that will quickly surpass. Deep down, I want to be happy. Grief sucks. Guilt sucks. It eats you alive, and is completely impossible to ignore.

Each day, my mind struggles to comprehend all of the different feelings and emotions that come with the loss of a child. I find myself overthinking everything.

It will get better Lindsay. This is a part of the process. This is your grief. Push through it, not around it. It's a beast, and like all else in this journey, it's a constant uphill battle.

I take each moment as it hits me, and work through what I can.

I'll soon forget about these Thursdays, but I won't ever forget about our Sadler.

I love you little boy. With every inch of my being.

Dear Lord, please comfort me today.

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No Bake Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Balls

You will need: 3/4 cup quick oats (60g) 1/2 cup oat flour (or make your own by blending oats in a food processor until they become powder. Measure after blending.) (75g) 1/4 tsp salt 1/4 tsp baking soda 1/4 cup xylitol or sugar (or coconut sugar or sucanat) (55g) 1/4 tsp cinnamon (optional: a pinch pumpkin pie spice as well) optional: handful mini chocolate chips 1/3 cup canned pumpkin (or sweet potato puree) (80g) 2 to 2 1/2 tablespoons milk of choice, as needed 1 tablespoon oil (omit if you desire, but I can’t vouch for the results) 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract Instructions: Combine all dry ingredients and stir very well. In a separate bowl, combine all liquid (including pumpkin). Then stir to combine, and form into balls or cookies. Or put in the fridge to firm up a little before forming cookies.

Plans may Fail, but God doesn't

I have decided to not go in to much depth about the passing of Sadler, but I do want to write about it. Writing is very healing for me. The following blog speaks of infant death, please only read at your discretion. Sadler's tiny body reacted negatively to the surfactant that was administered to him to help with the maturity of his lungs. His vitals were stable, until he was given the first dose of those steroids. The first call to come down to the NICU was terrifying. What's even more terrifying is walking in to the nursing staff and the neonatologist reviving your child. Chest compressions and intubation. Stats dropping to a low, low. Loud noises from machines going off. Sitting there, unable to do anything as your child lays there helpless and lifeless. The hospital chaplain approaches and asks if we would like to pray, and of course being a family of faith we do. We cry, and we pray. We pray, and we cry. I text my best friend, Shannon, and asked that she...

UnSubscribe

It’s been almost 5 months. Yet I still haven’t been able to fully unsubscribe from all the junk emails from all the hideous baby crap. There is SO MUCH. “Buy one get one, one daily only @ Motherhood!” “25% off at Buy BUY baby” “8 weeks postpartum Lindsay” Mama Natural “Today’s the day! It’s Your due date” — enter in the name of of of the one million baby related websites there are these days. Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I go to check my emails, another one squeezes it’s way in. And when that happens, another very-detailed, very sad memory of a moment has an open window. Letters in the mail. Social security cards. Insurance information. Accidental bills mailed to your address showing every procedure and every dime, and every detail of your dead sons expenses. Will it ever stop? Is there a button for “un-subscribe” for all these constant reminders that your baby is dead. Will my phone EVER forget to auto-correct the words Infant loss, N...

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