My Honest Answer

"Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart thats broke is a heart that's been loved"..."When God takes you back he'll sing hallelujah you're home".

Today we went to church, for the first time since I'm not even sure when.

It's also where we had the funeral of our son. We got in the car, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle pulling back in to that church. I think it's partially why I was secretly hoping that when we DID return back to church it would be elsewhere. But, in all fairness, I've grown very fond of Pastor Daniel and the whole congregation of that church. So I decided not to speak up to my husband about visiting a different church, because I knew once we got inside I would be happy I chose to come back to one of the places we said our final goodbyes to our son.

We pulled in, and my eyes did swell with tears, but I held them back. Flashbacks from the funeral just kept creeping up on me. I took a deep breath, and climbed from the Suburban.

 We settled all the kids in to their classes, and the two of us embraced ourselves as we walked in to the sanctuary of the church, as service had already started.

In a way, I feel like we lucked up somewhat. I had already prepared Chad that I might would become an emotional rollercoaster during the service today. But it happened to be the anniversary of Pastor Daniel, and a guest speaker was in house to speak. We haven't been to church very frequent, but what I know of Pastor Daniel's preaching is this -- when we do go, he always seems to get tears out of me. So today, I had prepared for a river.

After we sat down, I prayed silently for God's grace, and for strength. This was the first time since the funeral of our son, and I so badly needed that strength. And for trust. To keep my trust in Him, despite the fact that I felt so horribly betrayed. I needed Him to remind me that even though my heart Is still hurting He is still here, and always present, holding all of my tears and my pain. 

As the guest preacher, who's name was DAVID (for all of you who know the significance of the name David to me) ended and Pastor Daniel came back up, he proceeded with announcing prayers. Chad and I's presence hadn't been un-noticed. He asked the church to continue praying for us, and that he was so happy to have us in our seats. He began to explain how most people would be so full of anger towards God, and would take months to step foot back in to church. Losing Sadler has done the complete opposite for us. We have been drawn CLOSER to Him. And as tears filled Pastor Daniel's eyes, he commanded us for how well we as a couple were handling the loss of our son.

So.

How are we not mad?

I can't speak for my husband, but I can speak for myself.

Here's my honest answer:

I HAVE been mad. 

I HAVE been angry. SO angry.

I HAVE been disappointed.

But here's what I will never be.. a disbeliever.

I have been promised by my faith that I will see my son again when I reach the gates of Heaven one day. I am promised that I am not the only one weeping, Jesus is weeping right by my side, just as he did with Mary and Martha as they cried over Lazerus. Jesus weeps for me because I can not see what he can see. Our sweet Sadler Boone, receiving nothing but love, and only knowing love.

I've been reading a wonderful book, and in the book she talks about how rather than people questioning whether or not Jesus could heal, they questioned why he didn't.

I don't know, truthfully. As I sit here with an empty womb, a swollen belly, and a sweet boy I long to hold... I don't know. But I don't need answers. God will reveal himself to me without me trying to fill in all the gaps alone. I am a believer that the gaps have been placed there so that I will press more deeper in to Jesus Christ, and rest on him in this season of life and even after.

Sadler will not return to me, but just as David said, one day I will go to him.

That is God's promise to me.

And THAT is how I am surviving. That is my honesty.

I am a WARRIOR!