Missing a Piece to the Puzzle

“Aww, did she hit herself?”  the clerk asked Chad, as Annestyne’s massive facial bruise unveiled itself. She had bopped her head on the swing that’s hanging from the tree at the beach house, and it was nearly impossible to miss. 

“Mommy, can you get this off for me?” Hasting asked, as he handed me his new cool pair of shades. 

And then it happened. The one question parents for some reason can’t seem to escape, no matter how many kids you have in your family. Except it cuts you like a knife when you’ve recently lost a child. 

“Are you going to have anymore kids?”. 

I guess he thought I didn’t hear her, so I never brought it back up. I didn’t even hear what his response was. 

I carry around a physical scar, but no one sees it. 

We have another child, but no stranger knows it. 

Strangers don't even know he existed, unless we bring him up.

Escaping reality is next to impossible. 

Every time Sadler isn’t acknowledged it stings, more now than it ever will. 

And as time moves forward, and lives go on, grief starts becoming more isolating and internal. The cards stop coming. The texts stop being sent.

Everyone else moves forward, but you don't.

Every once in a while you have a brief moment where things feel normal, and then every so quickly the reality sets in.

You're missing a piece to your puzzle.

You want to have a good time, but then life creeps back up on you.

I had a baby.

Then I didn't.

I want the whole world to know he existed.

Even if it were only for a brief moment in time.

We don't have 3 kids.

We have 5.

I am the 1 in 4.

I am pregnancy loss.

I am infant loss.

My babies have wings.

Three days after Sadler died we visited the barber shop for the boys to get their hair trimmed before the memorial.

The barber asked the same thing.

Any more kids?

"You have 3, you need 4 to make it even."

"You have 2 girls, you need 2 boys."

Little did he know. 


That sting will always be there. No matter how much the time passes.


In today's devotions, it said:


"Pause before responding to people or situations, giving My spirit space to act through you".


1 Corinthians 10:13 says "God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear".


In these moments, I remember this. 
He will always provide endurance.