WOAH, 2 months already?

Hasting turned 2 months old yesterday!

It's hard to believe that time has flown by SO fast! Chad and I are so blessed to have such a beautiful little angel in our lives! He is growing like a WEED! He has a doctors appointment coming up on Tuesday, so I'm excited to see how much he weighs and how long he is! I know he has grown in length for sure! He weighed 9 pounds 9 ounces 2 weeks ago, so we will see where he is at his 2 month check up Tuesday :)

He is very alert and loves to fight his sleep. He always wants to know what is going on around him and doesn't want to miss a THING!

My laptop is dying and something is going on with my charger, so I must go for now, but another blog will be here later tonight or tomorrow!

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Plans may Fail, but God doesn't

I have decided to not go in to much depth about the passing of Sadler, but I do want to write about it. Writing is very healing for me. The following blog speaks of infant death, please only read at your discretion. Sadler's tiny body reacted negatively to the surfactant that was administered to him to help with the maturity of his lungs. His vitals were stable, until he was given the first dose of those steroids. The first call to come down to the NICU was terrifying. What's even more terrifying is walking in to the nursing staff and the neonatologist reviving your child. Chest compressions and intubation. Stats dropping to a low, low. Loud noises from machines going off. Sitting there, unable to do anything as your child lays there helpless and lifeless. The hospital chaplain approaches and asks if we would like to pray, and of course being a family of faith we do. We cry, and we pray. We pray, and we cry. I text my best friend, Shannon, and asked that she...

Setbacks Over Progress.

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to turn completely upside down. It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017. “Became pregnant with our fourth child”. Just like that. I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt. Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice thi...

UnSubscribe

It’s been almost 5 months. Yet I still haven’t been able to fully unsubscribe from all the junk emails from all the hideous baby crap. There is SO MUCH. “Buy one get one, one daily only @ Motherhood!” “25% off at Buy BUY baby” “8 weeks postpartum Lindsay” Mama Natural “Today’s the day! It’s Your due date” — enter in the name of of of the one million baby related websites there are these days. Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I go to check my emails, another one squeezes it’s way in. And when that happens, another very-detailed, very sad memory of a moment has an open window. Letters in the mail. Social security cards. Insurance information. Accidental bills mailed to your address showing every procedure and every dime, and every detail of your dead sons expenses. Will it ever stop? Is there a button for “un-subscribe” for all these constant reminders that your baby is dead. Will my phone EVER forget to auto-correct the words Infant loss, N...

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