Raisinglittlegrays

My sweet Hasting, Annestyne, and Chantry, I am so sorry that your little innocent souls have had to know what grief is. I am so sorry that your brother died, and that you never got to meet baby Sadler. I am sorry that mommy left you for so long, and I'm sorry that sometimes mommy seems really sad. I know that sometimes you wish it was still the way that it "used to be", even if Sadler only was a baby in my tummy. Mommy does too. I want you to know that I love you very much, and that even though you don't know it (or may not understand it) right now, and everyday you are helping mommy to heal. You are teaching mommy how to heal. I never knew that through your innocence, I could learn so much. I have watched the 3 of you so closely since Sadler died, and you have silently been teaching me a few things about healing. Hasting, you recently broke your elbow. You were running being silly, tripped, and landed on your arm wrong. You played, you fell, but

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to  turn completely upside down.  It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017.  “Became pregnant with our fourth child”.  Just like that.  I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt.  Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice things changing. Your thoughts a

It’s been almost 5 months.  Yet I still haven’t been able to fully unsubscribe from all the junk emails from all the hideous baby crap. There is SO MUCH.  “Buy one get one, one daily only @ Motherhood!” “25% off at Buy BUY baby”  “8 weeks postpartum Lindsay”  Mama Natural “Today’s the day! It’s Your due date” — enter in the name of of of the one million baby related websites there are these days.  Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I go to check my emails, another one squeezes it’s way in. And when that happens, another very-detailed, very sad memory of a moment has an open window.  Letters in the mail. Social security cards. Insurance information. Accidental bills mailed to your address showing every procedure and every dime, and every detail of your dead sons expenses.  Will it ever stop? Is there a button for “un-subscribe” for all these constant reminders that your baby is dead. Will my phone EVER forget to auto-correct the words Infant loss, NICU, grief, and other words relate