Sadler Boone Gray
Born: February 16, 2018
4:48am
2 pounds 9.6 ounces
13.78 inches long
I've started writing this in pieces. And I have all intentions of finishing it. Hopefully.
Today is February 25, 2018.
Yesterday we buried our son.
One week and one day ago, our son passed away.
I don't know when I will finish this, or even if I will finish this (I sure hope to, because I know one day I'll be grateful that I took the time to write it, and remember it all).
Grieving is hard. Grieving the loss of your child is even harder.
Sadler and I had such a hard time together from the beginning. What started as a sub chorionic hemorrhage lead to something much more.
Chantry was young. SO young when he was conceived. And of course, everyone knows he wasn't planned. But he was so loved, from the very beginning. God saw him fit for our family, if even for a brief moment.
I don't even know how to start this birth story. I never imagined that I would ever have a birth like this. I'm used to full term babies, babies who take their time to get here (40+ weeks), car birth babies, and home birth babies.
A long term stay, in a place that I was so far from being comfortable in never crossed my mind. But neither did an emergency cesarian ending in our sons passing either.
I entered that hospital on the day of admittance, lost and scared. But as time passed, even with a few faint scares here and there, I was sure that our baby boy would be leaving alive and well (even if it meant a couple hundred or so days in the NICU).
I woke sometime before 3am on February 16th, to massive amounts of bleeding. Gushing, scary, bleeding. Throughout my stay at the hospital, I had some bleeding, but nothing compared to this. Although it WAS a lot, at this this point I really had no concern. The monitors came out, per protocol. After I got cleaned up, and bed sheets were changed I got all hooked up. The doctor had been called, but she was in an emergency cesarian, so she couldn't get to me. So another midwife was called. She was seriously so awesome. She commented on my bleach-free pads that I had chilling in the bathroom.
By the time she reached me, I had been on the monitor for a few minutes. My uterus had been pretty irritated, and was showing obvious signs of that. It was contracting, although to me they weren't painful. I had to watch the monitor to even really know that I was contracting. So, I honestly wasn't concerned. I kept talking to myself, repeating affirmations to my body silently, telling my body to breath and to slow down-- it wasn't time yet. However, I could begin to feel the contractions escalating.
The midwife decided that since I was continuing to contract and bleed, she wanted to check me internally. She wanted to see where the bleed was coming from (cervix or placenta) and to see if there were any physical signs of labor (dilation/softening). So, out came the dreaded metal speculum contraption. In able to clearly see where the bleed was coming from, we had to sit for a while, in the most uncomfortable way. After a few minutes of hanging out with this lovely metal contraption in my vagina, it was confirmed that the bleeding was in fact coming from the placenta.
Enter semi freak out mode for me.
There was a point prior to this, maybe 2 weeks prior, that the abruption I had became more of a scare tactic to me than my actual low amniotic fluid. And at this very moment, my scare tactic became a reality.
An ultrasound machine was brought in, and his position was checked.
Head down.
Dr. A was called again, but was still in an emergency cesarean.
Wait.
wait.
Wait some more.
She calls back.
My current situation is explained to her.
"Dr. A is going to come up and go over some things with you"
Que heart racing.
I knew it was coming.
A few minutes later she walks in the door.
She approaches me as Mrs. Gray, as her and all others do.
She explains that with all the given evidence, my partial abruption has entered a full abruption. With the continuous bleeding, and the contractions happening, it was best for the safety of Sadler and myself to go down to the ER for an emergency cesarian.
Tears.
Nothing but tears.
All my nursing staff surrounded me and just held me and hugged on me.
They all knew this was far from the plan that I had imagined.
I made motion to my doctor that I had written out a "planned section" birth plan, and had a few wishes that I had hoped to be able to put forth, but that I knew this was a different scenario, so I would just shove it aside. And she ever so calmly said " talk to me about this. What are some things that you were wishing for?". Honestly, in that moment I couldn't think of a single thing I had written down on that birth plan, and the only thing that came out of my mouth was "a clear drape".
3:53am, on February 16, 2018, I made the phone call to my mother-in-law. I'm surprised she could even understand what was coming out of my mouth. In fact, she didn't at first. I had to repeat myself so she could understand me.
" I need you to get to my house so Chad can get to me. I'm bleeding a lot and my body won't quit contracting. They are sending me down for an emergency c-section and I need Chad here immediately".
I called my husband in tears. The first callI got nothing. I started to panic, thinking there was no way that a phone call was going to wake him. A tornado would probably never wake my husband. So as I panicked, I called back at 4:12am. He finally answered. I honestly can't remember what I said to him. It was al a blur to me. I just remember telling him I needed him, to. get to me as soon as possible, and him reassuring me that everything was going to be ok.
I text my best friend (Shannon), almost as soon as I got off the phone with Chad, and she responded with "I'm on my way".
Things moved fast from here.
Paperwork was signed.
I was stripped of my clothes, and given a hospital gown. Something I hadn't touched my whole hospital stay.
Took all my jewelry off.
Hair pulled back in the cafeteria hat.
Brown stuff stuck up my nose to keep bacteria out.
Given a sour drink to muster down to keep nausea away (which is awful, even in a true shot glass form)
The bed was pulled from the wall, and we exited my room.
I was so scared I was shaking.
Any minute I was going to meet my baby and I had no idea if he would be ok, or if he would be gone.
The elevator ride down to the OR felt like an eternity.
I clenched to my phone, waiting to hear from my husband that he was here and was parking, and would be by my side before I knew it.
The only comfort I had in this moment was the fact that one of my favorite nurses was by my side the whole entire time. She was in charge of. my phone. I even gave her my passcode to get in so that she could keep up with Chad for me.
We entered the OR and I felt like I was freezing at first. The anesthesiologist quickly followed us in, and introduced himself so kindly. And it was all so real. He explained he would be getting me numb from basically ribs down, and in order to do so he would give me a numbing shot, then do the spinal.
It didn't take long to realize that I didn't have an IV. So while he gathered all his supplies the nurses scurried to get an IV in my hand.
The initial numbing shot was in, which was nothing compared to some of the pokes I had received upstairs. "Relax your shoulders, hunch over for me, and take a deep breath". Hello spinal.
I laid down, and once I did my arms were pulled out to my sides and strapped. I immediately thought about how I wish I would have included in my "gentle cesarian" talk earlier, that I didn't want to have my arms strapped. But like I said, in the moment, I could barely remember what I had even written down on that plan.
A catheter was put in place, and my stomach was prepped for surgery.
Dr. A walked in. I call her this because I absolutely can NOT pronounce her name. So we will just keep her Dr. A
I kept looking at all the machines to my right. My heartbeat, blood pressure, and God knows what else. My nurses were all reassuring that I was doing so great, and were trying to keep somewhat of a conversation going with me.
I was still in panic mode though. I got really cold, and my stupid hands wouldn't quit going numb. I kept looking up at the machines to make sure my blood pressure and heart beat were remaining stabilized. And my husband was still nowhere in sight.
They began doing all the things they do to ensure that you can't feel anything once you've gotten the spinal. Some little roller spiked thing was rolled from my feet up to above like my belly button. It reminded me of the little spikey roller things that come in the play doh play sets. That's honestly the best way to describe it. Then some huge metal thing that I couldn't see, but they said it was some metal contraption that they were using to pinch and pull on my skin. Jokes were made, to try and help lighten up the mood about how if I felt any of those we would have some issues.
So as Dr. A sat down, I was asked if I was ready.
No. I'm not.
It's too early to meet my baby boy. I'm not supposed to be in this OR.
My husband STILL isn't here.
But I know it's time.
"I'm ready".
The pulls and tugs felt so incredibly weird. And honestly, by this point, I don't even know where my mind went. Although it felt like forever, it really wasn't. About 10 minutes in to being cut, my husband walked in with the little scrub suit and his own cafeteria hat on.
"Hey baby. Are you ok?"
"No", with my eyes full of tears.
"You're doing great babe. I love you".
In that moment we both felt like we just needed to be strong for one another.
A few minutes later, the blue curtain is dropped, and the clear curtain appears. I was about to see my little boy for the first time.
She held him up, and he was beautiful. So beautiful. And he cried. Oh that sweet little miniature cry. I was so over joyed with hearing that sweet, sweet sound.
Due to it being an emergency section, and the extent of my placenta, we weren't really able to delay the cord. It was detached from the placenta already, but Chad was called over and there was enough cord left for him to still "cut the cord". He followed Sadler over to somewhere in the room and I laid patiently while beginning to get closed up. Sadler had some clear wrap placed over his body to keep him warm, and then was wrapped an additional time with a swaddled blanket.
As Chad was over with Sadler, I heard this loud sound that sounded like a vacuum cleaner, and all I could hear was just suctioning. I had no idea what she was suctioning out. I just kept laying there freaking out that I was possibly hemorrhaging, and that no one was telling me because they didn't want me to go in to severe panic mode. Dr. A was suctioning out a multitude of clots and bleeding. It kept going for what sounded like forever, and it was so loud. Chad said he even turned around and saw it all. Dr. A made the comment of how glad she was that we had gotten Sadler out.
"You have a lot of clots and bleeding, I am so very surprised at how long you were able to keep him in".
Sadler was brought over to me, he opened his eyes and looked right at me.
RIGHT AT ME.
It's the one and one and only time I EVER saw his eyes open.
I kissed him so gently on his head, and briefly said "I love you".
He was taken back over to his daddy, and the neonatologist, Chad, and Sadler were taken to the NICU.
All that was left in the room at this point was the surgical techs. And they were so nice. They got me all bandaged up, and back on my hospital bed. I remembered that Shannon was waiting for me in the waiting area, which is really just right outside of the OR and close to the recovery rooms. So I text her right before I was wheeled out. I had asked if she could be with me in recovery while Chad was up in the NICU with Sadler, so that I wouldn't be alone.
The scariest part was over, and I left that OR so confident in my sweet baby boy. He was doing so well.
Shannon met us as I was wheeled out in the hallway. We met one another with big ol' tears and hugs.
We hit the recovery room, and not long after we went back, Chad appeared. I asked for something to drink because my mouth was SO dry, but I was only able to have ice chips. Then, not long after eating the ice chips I got SO nauseous. So I had to calm down on the ice chips.
My placenta was at my feet in a bowl the whole time. And we needed to get it on ice. In the midst of all the chaos we had completely forgotten that we needed something to keep it in to keep it cool. Chad, Shannon, and I were joking about gong somewhere and buying a cooler as soon as a store opened to keep it in. So, the nurse who was in recovery went and got a big rubber pan and sat it in ice for us.
The staff in the recovery room were all so amazing, They were our ages, if not maybe a little younger. Slowly slight feeling began to come back, and I could ever so slightly wiggle toes and bend at least ONE of my legs. We were in recovery for an hour. During this time my vitals were checked frequently, and I had a shot in my upper thigh that had pain meds. I also had to do the abdominal checks to check on my uterus. We won't talk about that pain. At one point I literally thought I was going to cry. No exaggeration.
Finally, I was rolled back up to my room. Everything looked the same, but it didn't FEEL the same. Of course, the monitors were missing, as I didn't need to be monitored anymore. But the sense of calmness, comfortability...it was gone. In what felt like the Blok of an eye. I joked with my nurse about how Sadler just couldn't wait, he HAD to meet her. It was her last night at Women's, and she was seriously one of THE BEST nurses that I had.
I was so tired when we finally got back up to the room, it was around 8am. I had vitals checked, and more belly pushing (which was less intense when I reached upstairs). My night time nurse and I said our goodbyes to one another, and I was so sad about that. Before Chad got to me in the OR she was such a comfortable to me, and just a gentle reminder that I was goin to be ok, and that I COULD do it. After the room cleared and it was just Chad and Shannon, they insisted that I sleep. And, I tried so hard, but all I could think of was Sadler. I wasn't able to go down and see him for 6 hours. I had to become "stable" enough (as far as the spinal was concerned). Chad took some things down to the car, and took my placenta to Shannon's car. My aunt came at some point before work to visit with me. The kids Godfather and my nana came up to visit, and stayed with us until we went down to see Sadler.
Prior to visiting with him I had to get up and get a little bit of walking in (which sucked because I also still had my catheter attached to me as well). I got a few "laps" in, inside of my room.
I think it was around 11am when I finally asked for a wheelchair to go down and see Sadler. It was my first time in the NICU. I wasn't very well prepared. We rolled up to his incubator, and it was so hard to see him laying there. So many cords and machines, medicines, beeping noises. Every noise I heard made me so nervous that something was wrong.
I wanted to sit there and stare at him all morning. I didn't want to leave his side. I wanted to reach in and just touch him. Hold him. Just be with him. We had worked so hard together, and I just wanted to continue that.
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