Skip to main content

1.5 weeks




Healthy grieving. Is that really a thing? It's been 1.5 weeks since we handed Sadler over to the NICU nurse, after we said our final goodbyes to him. I still cry; daily, mostly regularly. I'm not sure if and when I will ever reach that point to where I won't cry. I have moments where I start to feel somewhat normal again, and then the pain begins to take over, and suddenly I feel so awful for trying to feel so normal. I get so overwhelmed. And I feel so guilty, to the point of where it almost feels like depression is my only normalcy. 

I have flashbacks of my time in the hospital, and how I wish as much as I hated it then, I would give anything to have it back now. That place became such a comfort to me. It made me feel like even though I was there for a high-risk pregnancy, a sense of peace could still be felt. A sort of safe haven I guess.

Sadler truly was the most beautiful child. Like all of our children.

He looked just like his older brother, and for once, it was possible that we were going to have a curly-haired little boy. He was perfect. Every 2 pounds and 9.6 ounces of his little body was just so perfect.

Every day that passes, I feel my body letting go of the physical evidence that I was ever pregnant. There is no more bump. No more baby kicks. Just faint gassy bubbles that FEEL like baby kicks. And then the sadness returns. I am not pregnant.


Most days, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to let go of the pain that I feel from delivering him. I want the remember every second of every moment that our son was breathing. 

I remember when he was born. The blue drape was lowered, and the clear drape took its place. One of my biggest wishes was to have a clear drape, so I could see our sweet boy pulled from my stomach. His little faint cry was music to my ears, and instantly tears streamed from my eyes. He was alive. He was breathing. He had LUNGS. He was crying. He was OK.

Little did I know, he would become the sickest baby in the NICU...


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Setbacks Over Progress. 

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to  turn completely upside down.  It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017.  “Became pregnant with our fourth child”.  Just like that.  I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt.  Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice thi...
1 comment
Read more

DIY ok to wake clock!

Recently, I added an "OK to wake" clock in my Amazon shopping cart. Hasting needs help determining when the time is appropriate for him to wake, and when it's appropriate for him to come out of his room. Some days it's normal hours, others, not so much. I need time to myself to start my day. I've been wanting to wake around 6am myself, have time to make (and enjoy) a HOT cup of coffee, meditate, complete some morning yoga, and talk to Jesus. BUT , with a kid thinking it's ok to take over my space at 6am, I haven't been able to even START that sort of routine.  A while back a friend had talked about a DIY "ok to wake" clock. Up until now, I had shoved the idea off, and wanted to just buy one because they seemed cooler, lit up, and played cool noises. But, I quickly discovered they're $30. So, I decided since I had all I needed to do the DIY clock, why not give it a whirl first, seeing as I love being thrifty and like saving money and all. So, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Strawberry Oat Flaxseed Muffins

I'm a sucker for muffins, and even better... So is my son. Which in my case is great.  I used to buy the lovely processed packages that we are all guilty of probably purchasing at least  once.. Right? But then, once upon a time, we decided that crap is SO bad for us. As much as I hate cooking, I've actually found that the more I do it, and the healthier it is, the more I like to do it.  So I started looking around for muffin recipes that I could basically just alter, and pump with natural ingredients to replace things like butter and sugar, and preservatives to be replaced with real fruit. May I also add, homegirl at pioneer woman has got it goin on (I love her recipes).  So here's what I came up with. ** You can use bananas instead of honey as a sweetener if you'd like, but since Hasting is having issues with bowel movements, I'm staying clear of bananas atm. Use 2 bananas if you use bananas ** 2.5C old fashioned oats  1C vanilla Greek yogurt 2 eggs  3 tsp...
Post a Comment
Read more