Labor of a Loss

Trigger warning**

If you have a weak stomach, or talk of loss is painful, please do NOT read this post. This post is about my traumatic laboring experience during a loss. 

Wednesday, August 5th I felt great all morning. In the evening I started just feeling off. I laid down, and Chad cares for the kids so I could rest. I woke up to some sharp, excruciating pains in my abdomen. I kept up with how frequent they were coming, and noticed they were coming every 2-3 minutes, just like contractions. Eventually, they became unbearable, and so painful I began to cry. Annestyne was nursing, and luckily unlatched herself. Chad noticed how much pain I was in and volunteered to take the kids and just go through a drive-thru somewhere for dinner, and go get me some medicine. 

He left, and I decided to take a hot bath to help ease the pain of my stomach. I immediately began clotting and losing blood. I could feel every time I was contracting I was also clotting. I felt like I was in real labor, only worse. I was losing the placenta and more tissue. Birthing the placenta in a loss is 10x more worse than birthing a child via natural birth. It was awful. 

I wasn't prepared for any of this. My loss was so early, I didn't think I would experience any of this. 

I labored in the tub for 2 hours, and changed water twice. I listened to Hillsong, and I cried. 

 Chad fed the kids and put them to bed. Poor Chad was so nervous and I kept having to reassure him that everything happening was normal. He gave me 1.5 hydrocodone to take for the pain.

After a while, I felt off. My face started to tingle and I was getting clammy. I quickly got out of the tub, grabbed a towel, and ran to our bed. I passed out. I woke up to Chad shoving apple juice and peanut butter in my face. 

At this point we had agreed Chad needed to stay home from work. 

Once I woke up from passing out, my pains were far worse. I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was cry. I kept feeling like I needed to poop, so I made it to the toilet.  I couldn't sit up on the toilet long enough without getting dizzy, my face tingling, and getting clammy. Every time I sat on the toilet, I had to immediately get off, and I would lay in the bathroom floor, crying out in pain. 

I was white as a ghost and the pain was excruciating. I wanted to go to the hospital. I had passed so much blood. My sugar was low. I hadn't ate. I was dehydrated. And I was passing out. 

My sweet, sweet husband got me dressed. I would have just worn a robe and underwear to the hospital. Bless his heart, he had no idea how to put a pad in underwear. He left the paper on the wings and was putting it on my inside out underwear. He threw a huge t shirt of his on me, and some super hooch shorts. I didn't care at the moment. I was just hurting, and bad. 

My SIL was able to come and be with the kids while we went. The kids were already in bed, so we just needed someone to be at the house with them. Chad carried me to the car, and had the seat laid back so I could lay down. He had gotten me a cheeseburger from McDonald's earlier (gross I know), and I was hungry. I knew I needed to eat. So I asked him to grab it. As soon as he left me, I had to swing the car door back open and I got sick. 

After I got sick I felt much better. The pain had subsided, but I was still bleeding and clotting heavily. So I still wanted to go in to the hospital. 

My vitals were checked. I was hooked up to an IV for dehydration. I was given Zofran for nausea, and blood was drawn to check my quants. 

I was asked to undress and cover up. As soon as I went to undress, I clotted bad and blood came dripping all down my legs. The clot was the size of my fist, if not a little bigger. 

My quants last Friday were at 41,271. 

Last night they were at 18,000. 

They did an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. Checking to see what was left and  making sure there were no clots in my uterus. Everything was clear except for a cyst on my right ovary. 

A pelvic exam was also done to check on my cervix, which was fine, just obviously still dilated. 

The doctor expressed concern with the amount of blood loss I had experienced, and seemed keen on a D&C. I have a checkup with my OB tomorrow, and she wanted me to discuss that with them.

My bleeding has slowed back down to how it was prior to last night. I'm hoping the worst is over. 

I refuse a D&C unless I'm in danger. I am not ok with drugs to make me loopy. I'm not ok with a spinal tap. And I'm certainly not ok with someone forcefully  scrapping the remainder of my loss out of my vagina. 

We made it home around 3:30 this morning, and my sweet and amazing husband let me sleep until noon today. I woke up with an excruciating migraine, and I'm still exhausted, but other than that I feel better. 

Emotionally, I feel empty. I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of going to baby doctors knowing I'm not taking a baby home in the end. Depending on my quant results from tomorrow's lab, I may not return for anymore quants. 

This has been one of the most emotional, sad, scary, and painful experiences of my life. My heart is with women who have experienced multiple losses. 

I wanted to write about the physical loss process itself, because I know there will be women like myself. Women who have never experienced a loss before, become pregnant, and then receive the news. You feel so lost and scares and don't know what to expect, how it will feel, or anything about the physical process. Each woman is different, but being able to read different women's stories can help to offer some sort of insight. 

I pray that no one ever has to experience this. It takes a piece of you away, forever. I pray for my friends who have opened up to me since we found out about our loss, and expressed they have also experienced loss. 

I thank God for staying by my side, and for giving me the strength to overcome this. Without his love, I would have no strength through this all. He is a loving God, and I know he has promises of a big future for me and my family.