Raisinglittlegrays

Sadler Boone Gray Born: February 16, 2018 4:48am 2 pounds 9.6 ounces 13.78 inches long I've started writing this in pieces. And I have all intentions of finishing it. Hopefully. Today is February 25, 2018.  Yesterday we buried our son. One week and one day ago, our son passed away. I don't know when I will finish this, or even if I will finish this (I sure hope to, because I know one day I'll be grateful that I took the time to write it, and remember it all). Grieving is hard. Grieving the loss of your child is even harder. Sadler and I had such a hard time together from the beginning. What started as a sub chorionic hemorrhage lead to something much more. Chantry was young. SO young when he was conceived. And of course, everyone knows he wasn't planned. But he was so loved, from the very beginning. God saw him fit for our family, if even for a brief moment. I don't even know how to start this birth story. I never i

Healthy grieving. Is that really a thing? It's been 1.5 weeks since we handed Sadler over to the NICU nurse, after we said our final goodbyes to him. I still cry; daily, mostly regularly. I'm not sure if and when I will ever reach that point to where I won't  cry. I have moments where I start to feel somewhat normal again, and then the pain begins to take over, and suddenly I feel so awful for trying to feel so normal. I get so overwhelmed. And I feel so guilty, to the point of where it almost feels like depression is my only normalcy.  I have flashbacks of my time in the hospital, and how I wish as much as I hated it then, I would give anything to have it back now. That place became such a comfort to me. It made me feel like even though I was there for a high-risk pregnancy, a sense of peace could still be felt. A sort of safe haven I guess. Sadler truly was the most beautiful child. Like all of our children. He looked just like his older brother, and

This week seemed to be a little slower, and I’m starting to get extremely bored (even though I have a ton of different things I can do, you get tired of it after a while). Laying in bed when you’re used to being up all day is pure torture.  I had quite a few visitors this week. My nana, godmother, my volunteer friend Tomi ( who is trying her hardest to teach my uncoordinated self how to knit), Katryna, Shannon, Ellen, Britt, and the associate pastor from my in-laws church! Nana brought me cheesecake, devotionals, and my favorite mints — that I like to eat like candy. Lisa brought me key lime pie and some hair product samples— oh and some delicious homemade veggie soup. Katryna brought me a huge goodie basket with all kinds of deliciousness (along with the outfit I plan on wearing in labor, and some really cool body scrub). She also brought me a humidifier, because Lord y’all, the air here is SO DRY. She also blessed me with my favorite meal from Panera 🙌🏼 Shannon brought me some Ch