2 month Dreadlock update!

My Honest Answer

"Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart thats broke is a heart that's been loved"..."When God takes you back he'll sing hallelujah you're home". Today we went to church, for the first time since I'm not even sure when. It's also where we had the funeral of our son. We got in the car, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle pulling back in to that church. I think it's partially why I was secretly hoping that when we DID return back to church it would be elsewhere. But, in all fairness, I've grown very fond of Pastor Daniel and the whole congregation of that church. So I decided not to speak up to my husband about visiting a different church, because I knew once we got inside I would be happy I chose to come back to one of the places we said our final goodbyes to our son. We pulled in, and my eyes did swell with tears, but I held them back. Flashbacks from the funeral just kept cre...

Setbacks Over Progress.

Tonight I was going through my phone, looking through old notes I had left myself in my phone. I noticed one from December 31, 2017. It was before 2018 hit us, and 10 days before our world started to turn completely upside down. It was a list of all the good things and accomplishments of 2017. “Became pregnant with our fourth child”. Just like that. I remembered something I’ve been doing a LOT of recently. I’ve caught myself if the good moments, reflecting, but not in a good way. I look at old photos, from before Sadler, or before his pregnancy took a high risk turn, and I just bask in those moments of happiness. I try so hard to remember the happiness i felt in those photos. And just like that, hello guilt. Almost 5 months has passed, and while there is no routine of how grief plays out, you begin to realize patterns and ways of how you deal and cope with all things associated with your grief. But as the time goes on, you start to notice thi...

UnSubscribe

It’s been almost 5 months. Yet I still haven’t been able to fully unsubscribe from all the junk emails from all the hideous baby crap. There is SO MUCH. “Buy one get one, one daily only @ Motherhood!” “25% off at Buy BUY baby” “8 weeks postpartum Lindsay” Mama Natural “Today’s the day! It’s Your due date” — enter in the name of of of the one million baby related websites there are these days. Every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I go to check my emails, another one squeezes it’s way in. And when that happens, another very-detailed, very sad memory of a moment has an open window. Letters in the mail. Social security cards. Insurance information. Accidental bills mailed to your address showing every procedure and every dime, and every detail of your dead sons expenses. Will it ever stop? Is there a button for “un-subscribe” for all these constant reminders that your baby is dead. Will my phone EVER forget to auto-correct the words Infant loss, N...

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